I really do love my life. I love it all, the good and the bad. The goods in my life are so incredible that I feel it gives me a kind of freedom too, at times, lament on the bad. Without having the safety of “goodness”, talking about the “not so good stuff” would not be so easy.
The not so good… Just like everyone, I’m human and just like all humans we are unlike anybody else.
As I get older, more than ever, I realize my ridiculous ability to still believe just what people say. I believe it all and the “grander” the performance, the more I want to believe in its beauty. It’s as though I see all of life as a Beautiful Broadway Production and I really do believe all of the performances of all the actors, because when you do believe the “truth” you feel you are being presented, the performance was then honest and nobody loves anything more than believing that they are being treated honestly. There is no better feeling than honestly applauding and honest performance. Thing is, not everyone is really very honest anymore.
Still for some reason, I just still always want to believe that whatever a person is showing me, is just simply who they actually are. No matter how many times I am proved wrong about this, I still just choose to trust, until I am proven wrong for trusting. I was thinking about why I gravitate towards trusting, over starting out extremely cautious, until people earn my trust.
Then, I realized partly, that it’s because, it’s my nature to just trust. Without being able to naturally just be who I am, I could never be able to get a sense for who the other person is at all. I think the honesty of my personality and who I am is my own natural way getting the “right” reaction from the toxic people I have encountered. If you really are who you honestly present yourself to be to me, the honest nature of who I really am won’t get to you. If you are not honestly who you portray yourself to be to me, the honest nature of who I really am will cause the honest reaction of who you honestly are, for me to read.
Why on earth do people waste time being who they are not? Doing this is just a waste of everyone’s time. It makes no sense. It’s dishonest to everyone, but worst of all, not being you, makes you a liar to you too. If you can’t just be real with you, how are you ever gonna live a real life? I always have these questions about people who live misleading lives.
Then I realized too, that I must just have been spoiled with Good Energy, which I really was, growing up.
I always dreaded when the school would move locations, because I loved the way being a the school felt. It wasn’t about anything more specific or anyone more specific. I just loved the way it felt to go to the school and be at the school. No matter when, it always felt safe, good and solid to be there. I was always afraid that moving would ruin the feeling. But through the years we moved and every single time the space never looses it’s special feel.
As the years have gone by and moving away from home I realized this feeling, the energy I loved all my life, all comes from my dad.
Dad is the Good Energy I was spoiled with a kind nurturing that makes me comfortable in all my mistakes and short-comings. My flaws are my true beauty and nothing is ugly, only a lie, but beautiful things can come out of those too.
Something about growing up spoiled with Good Energy… You never fear the bad, because you are always true to yourself. When you find out people aren’t honest, it gives you the blessing to understand the commodity of honesty this way too.